Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Mass of the Higgs boson in Old Money

Estimated mass of the Higgs boson = 125 GeV/c^2

1 GeV/c^2 = 1.0735 u

Therefore the mass of Higgs boson = 134 u, or roughly the same as a whole atom of caesium.

It looks like science may finally be able to answer one of the Big Questions that have fascinated mankind for thousands of years, namely "who ate all the pies?"

Friday, 9 December 2011

EU leaders agree "European Debt-Deflation Death Spiral Pact"

BRUSSELS - Triumphant EU negotiators are preparing to announce a resolution to the Eurozone crisis which absolutely won't be revealed to be half-baked within a week or so.

The European Debt-Deflation Death Spiral Pact, also known as the "European Suicide Pact", will commit all Eurozone members to a strict austerity regime that will plunge Europe into a deep recession, which will lead to higher borrowing requirements, which will lead to more austerity, which will lead to a deeper recession, and so on until Europe is torn apart by social unrest.

Speaking from her coronation as God-Empress of Europe, German Chancellor Angela Merkel welcomed the deal. "The horror of 1920's hyperinflation is burned on our nation's collective memory," she said. "So we must act now to replay the even more disastrous but somehow conveniently forgotten 1930's austerity policies of Heinrich BrĂ¼ning. Yes, it will lead the EU to its doom, but at least we'll get to wag our fingers at lazy southerners for a few more months."

French President Nicolas Sarkozy added, "I'm important too!"

Meanwhile in Frankfurt, European Central Bank head "Super" Mario Draghi expressed astonishment that his organisation should in any way help to prevent the collapse of the Euro. "Can't! Shan't! Won't! Can't make me! Wah wah!" he explained at a press conference this morning.

British Prime Minister David Cameron watched the events from a specially installed naughty step at Lille Loophole railway station. "We're well out of that one, aren't we, chaps?" he told bemused commuters. "But it's in Britain's interest to stand by Europe at this jolly difficult moment. That is why, despite having our own currency and the ability to borrow at the lowest rates since records began, we too will push forward with a deranged austerity programme."

Markets rallied at the news that they were at least going to agree something and you never know it might do some good.